Monday, March 28, 2016

On the Brink!, Plus a Message from the Department of Product Development

"We* are at a developmental crossroads." I have been saying this for weeks now, to anyone who seems baby-focused. Or, closer to the truth, to anyone in close proximity for more than twenty minutes or so.  But it feels true; mammoth appetites, mammoth sleeping, random fussiness, almost almost taking a step away, vocalization strings shifting and shifting.

Last week, we hit some new, disquieting territory. We're still in the same neighborhood, but things feel a bit grittier, dodgier: how much time will we be spending here? The O.Y.O.** has most definitely burst into outraged tears when something has been taken away (a doll, a crumb, a bookmark, used tissue) or merely not granted her (one's phone, a serrated knife, keyboard access, a second meal simultaneous with the first). But now, now, she may have an extended crying fit, emerge from it with the aid of a distracting whatsit -- but then comes a moment when her face freezes. An almost visible cartoon bubble forms above her head: "Waiiiiit a minute! I was upset about the thing! The thing is still missing to me!"*** She was almost been duped by happiness, but noooo: she will right this ship; and outraged crying starts anew. Oi.

I can only imagine we are witnessing the birth of tantrums. Woeful, but not like we could sidestep them. My social worker child development friend advised me to refer to them not as "tantrums," but as "dysregulations," because the periods of (...full body demonstrative loudness...) reflect the child's inability to manage their big feelings. The feeling is huge, it needs an outlet, and the child hasn't learned how to manage (/regulate) it yet. Having the episodes is part of them learning how to manage themselves...alrighty. I can see how the different terminology removes the idea of the young one "misbehaving" somehow, when it is developmentally appropriate. But I won't lie, "tantrum" is more satisfying: good shorthand and more descriptive... 

 And now a word from the Oyo:
CEO, Archived Stock Photo

RE: Product Development and Enhanced Features

I'd like to take this opportunity to announce last week's limited roll out of Cry Premium ©. While audience size currently prevents statistical analysis, participants fell within target demographic and response has been heartening. I am confident that Cry Premium's © usability will be viable across numerous scenarios, with a varied audience. Early reactions point to --> Resounding Success.

At a glance, Cry Premium ©:
  • 20% louder than Standard Cry ©
  • 33% more shrill 
  • faster ramp-up (from 0-60 in under 10 seconds)
  • feature enhancements include: reddened face, greater full body engagement (back arch, mattress slap, accusatory finger point)
  • Highly customizable duration
  • Pause and re-start function
Early Feedback (participant texts):
"This is terrible, my ears are literally ringing"
"😟 I'll be home soon"
"Good luck to us all"

Watch this Space for Future Announcements, with potential discussion points including: Cry Deluxe© and Howl©
*wherein we is indicative of the Baby we, more plebian than the royal we, though no less entitled for its commonness, due to classic maternal hyper-focus and the smallification of one's sphere.
**as in The One Year Old. But I'm lazy. Let's just say Oyo from now on, hey?
***Like the French conjugation of missing, right? I miss you = You are missing to me, which I always liked because it nicely calls up the idea of absence as presence.

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