Catalog Madness, Part Two: Less Ranty, More Talky.

Feeling pressed for time and no notion what to buy for those truly important people in your life? Have you sworn off Amazon because of their nasty little $5 anti-local campaign ? Luckily the catalogs keep rolling into my mailbox and I feel generous enough to share with you. Because I am *that* generous and you are *that* special. Nothing to top Butler Santa or furring your entire living room, but perhaps you have discovered your own pockets of gold in the meantime. Here a few items to fill in the holes:

1.) Is your spare roll of toilet paper normally hiding beneath a crocheted doll skirt, with the doll standing in the hole? Have you begun to feel this is a bit passe?

Look no further than "Paper Pots."

According to Uncommon Goods, these transform your tp or tissues into "a sculptural statement." More spares=more art! Let's hear it for the easily accessible.

2.) Like sands through the hourglass go the days of our lives... Uncommon Goods wasn't lying here: never seen these before. Honestly, they are a bit mystifying to me. Possibly it's just the logistics -- the hourglass seems like it would make holding it a bit difficult. And then when exactly can you turn them? The text says each sand shift takes 10 minutes. Perhaps it could be the host way of ordering you to slow down? "Whew, already done with the shiraz? OK: flip your glass. Consider yourself in drinking time out. No pouting." To the clumsier among us, it's a cruel taunt about potential accidents: broken glass, staining wine AND colored sand. Grrrrreat. Also available as awkward martini glasses; $75 for set of 4.

I confess to a fondness for the phrase "bottle sweater"

3.) And speaking of wine...While you like your
wine chilled, how do you think your wine feels
about that? You've never stopped to consider it, have you? Typical.

Show your wine a little cozy love this holiday season. Why should scary holiday knits be limited to (scarily festive) people? Maybe next year there will also be reindeer knits and tree knits with sewn on jingle bell ornaments. See also: cork hat.   

Bottle sweater, bottle sweater, bottle sweater, bottle sweater. Bottle Sweater. UK version less fun: Bottle Jumper.


4.) Do any of your friends suffer from a plague of flies? Less dire than Amityville Horror or Damien (were there flies? there must have been flies), but enough for fly swatting to become REALLY tiresome? Utility and humor dovetail like pb and chocolate in the talking fly swatter.

With gems like "flight cancelled!" and "hasta la vista!," this swatter "will have your whole household buzzing with laughter!," or so says Crown House of Gifts. Move over, Damn You Auto-Correct!

5.) More things that shouldn't talk: Football beer mug. If I were in the same room as this, this stein's presence alone would indicate the day (or week? month.) had taken a horribly bad turn.

"Dishwasher safe, the mug cleans easily once the voice box is unclipped." Yeah, I wonder how many mugs will be deliberately dishwashed, voice and all. If it were in a John Hughes film, you'd hear the chipper Go-team! voice slowly bested from within "The Fans Are Going Wild!....Touchdooooownnnn~~"

Better options that I have listened to and not thrown across the room: Homer Simpson beer bottle opener, saying....what? Something stoopid yet somewhat endearing. Policeman cookie jar who says, "STOP RIGHT THERE!" when you lift his top half for said cookies. Come to think of it, that may have helped me with those evil maple sandwich cookies. That, or I would have developed a really nice rapport with cop jar.

Well, hopefully these suggestions help. In a pinch, there's always the hand-drawn personalized coupon book option. Be sure to include expiration dates.